Because I'm Nobody, Nobody Without You

When people say, 'dare to dream', I say 'duh'.

I made a living out of dreaming. I am not a modest dreamer. But life is what it is and I always learn my place in this world.I always anticipate a fall, I always prepare for the worst. And I convinced myself, whatever happens, I can take it. I will suffer but that too, shall pass.

No matter how high my dreams are, Allah always gives me much more. Even when I fail I experience a sweeter success later in life. I know my stance now won't last forever. I will undoubtedly have my falls later, maybe even fail and get sent back to where I belong. But I hope when the time comes I never lose my faith.

I hope I never forget that Allah paves a way to Him for everybody. Only those who can tread that perilous path would be worthy.

To Allah, for your love. To Mak and Bapak, for your unfaltering support, your deeds that I can never hope to repay in my lifetime. To my sisters, for your bearing with my whines and insecurities. To my teachers and lecturers from now to forever, for your guidance and goodwill. To my friends, for not hating me, and some, even loving me. For not shunning me, and for accepting me.

I am nobody without others.

P/S: My beloved J6!

Genetic Botox

My adorable juniors threw me a little farewell party last night. Being an outrightly awkward and socially insecure due to my unease at communicating using a foreign language (Semenanjungan, that is), I only spoke when spoken to and tried my best to spare them of the awkwardness by scramming to my room most of the time. So that's why their gesture, despite wrongly implied terms of coldness and distance, really touched my heart. 


I suppose normal people's expression of this kind of gratitude would involve effortless friendliness. But in turn the ambiance was awkward because I did not know how to properly execute that. It was better for everyone involved that I keep my minimalist expressions on. My smile would look phony and my laughter would be pretentious. And exchanges would be unnatural.


But girls, thank you. I love you.


For other socially awkward people out there, this tumblr is for you: http://sociallyawkwardpenguin.tumblr.com/


And yes, this is my last day with 24-hour internet connection, so understand my need for self-indulgent 'me' spam posts.

Casa, Voy A Mi Casa

1.5 years come down to the point where I give my keys and access card to an abode I never accepted as home. But Casa Subang, you have been wonderful.

The Subangite's affinity for serving its residents with fireworks, the sound of basketballers playing outside my window, looking at what people were eating down at Kak Su, the wee hours of the morning spent having proper girl-dates with shins dipped in the pool, and the grocery stores with grocers remembering my favorite purchase: Milk with 3 Cream-O's. My usrah sessions tailored to be an escapade from the week's stress, doing chores just one day before the cleaners come for inconsistent fortnightly visits, having faux-homemade meals on the dining table while reminiscing about home. Fauziah and my weekly visit to Mydin, coming back strolling the trolley. The buses which always conspire to park farther than the gate and difference of five minutes between having a comfortable seat and waiting on the teasing morning heat for the bus. The delivery people who always kept me waiting and finally came with extra portions. The awkward exchanges with people on a near-empty elevator.

I would lie if I had even glimpsed the opportunity to be here before I received my accommodation instructions.

All the times we sighed at-the-moment impulses,saying, "Someday". It taught me a whole new level of freedom, and knowing the restraints as well as when to go for it. A territory I trod partially unaware of how much I would miss it when it's time to pack up.

Tomorrow at 5 p.m, I'll be officially checking out. Goodbye, Casa away from home.

To My Bestest Friend Dolly

So here it is, in the simplest form possible.

From the bottom of my unkempt heart,

I thank you.

:D

A Beautiful Homage

http://cinta-teragung.blogspot.com/2010/10/seorang-pahlawan-kehidupan.html


Thank you, Pak. We love you.

Life, You're Beautiful.

All I needed was the enlightenment. That was all.

It's all predetermined. How I would do in my finals, whether I would pass or not, and whether I would become all that the 17-year-old idealist in me, aspired to be, that too is long decided.

All I have to do is do my absolute best, and tawakkal.

Yes, I have been thinking that if I pull this off, by mid-December I would be looking back in reminiscence of my little trip down identity crisis stage, and where I found my passion again. 

But I'm not at mid-December. I'm two days away from my finals and a LOT could happen before that.

And all that has happened up to this point, was really for the best. So yes, I may or may not fly to Australia. But before that I resolve to give my all. 

I'd be lying if that thought alone did not slit my meek mental strength hard, the thought of disappointing my family, and the embarrassment they and I myself have to bear. 

But not yet. I'll get down to all of that later. Life will go on anyway, like it always does. Now it's time to do what I can.

Now I will get back to forcing myself to churn out an inspirational, sob-worthy statement of purpose and Legals essays.

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

Dawned

My finals are starting on Monday.


And truth be told I am NOT ready.


And should I fail to pass the cut-off mark I would face bloody regret my whole life.


Because I know I'm the only one at blame. No other.


My family's hopes and dreams, my responsibilities. All those taxpayer's money funding my studies here.


All for nothing. All for a stress-free life and a whole loads of meaningless sleep.


I don't deserve any of the luck I have today. 


I am way too stupid to even realize that I can't get away with last-minute studying my whole life.


And I was fully conscious of the decisions that I made.


Decisions that led me to this.


Ya Rabb, forgive me. 


Forgive me.