I Really Love The Feeling Of Cherishing What I Have

I'm eighteen. And starting to realize what being eighteen feels like.

I feel like this is the point I'd like to stop transitioning. Oh, I feel so old in my own immaturity.

Where my home  is seldom completely tidy and clean, thanks to the unruly brats. Oh, and the unruly brats’ shrill sounds in the morning when I am sleeping, and the mornings I wake up without having the equivalent of a heart attack.

One of the little things I learn to love. My dull life, my simple life, is my life. I don’t want to live another person’s life, because then I wouldn’t have all these beautiful things that may seem petty to others, but is the subject of my imagination when I was in the seventh floor of Casa Subang looking outside the window to see so many signs of life, and still felt incomplete.

It feels like I never left home when I’m here, and to feel that someday I have to venture outside the confines of my comfort zone is melancholic enough.

I mean. I’m not going to live at my parents’ forever. The little horrors would grow up, and people die. My parents will die. And I will too.

That’s why I’m cherishing these things now, and let time do its magic.

After all. I'm trying to relinquish my adulthood of responsibilities and hold on to my diminishing carefree childhood. But man proposes, God disposes.

And because I know that Allah S.W.T. would take care of me, I know that I'll survive, even though sometimes it may feel like rock bottom.

P/S : I am mumbling and bored.

P/P/S : I got more than what I bargained for my IELTS. Alhamdulillah :). But my parents manage to see a loophole in it. Haha.

The Five And Sixth Senses Make Me Depressed. So How?

Assalamualaikum to my best friends and my sister - the only ones who read this blog.

I used to wonder why Mr. V didn’t practice. He had the gift of the gab, the confidence, the analytical mind and every ingredient one needs to become a great lawyer but he opted become a lecturer instead.

Now that I knew the reason, I felt like I shouldn’t have asked.

“Conscience got the better of me”

He could earn good, and I mean good by really good money by staying on to his primary pursuit of career, but he regarded it nothing as compared to the sacrifices he had to make.

Sacrifices included his reluctant involvement into corruptions off all sorts.

“Honesty is a fairytale these days. They don’t exist. If you insist on being honest, you would be a lawyer on a bicycle”

Time to get back to my basics. So I know that achieving what I set out for would mean going against the system that is and would be funding the rest of my studies  - which may mean either disloyalty or honesty.

And to tell me that such things no longer exist. What a boost to my confidence, eh?

Now I agree when people tell me that what I advocate is the pathway to hell, beautifully masqueraded by the facade of individuals actually standing a chance in making a change – a change.

Now. Wasn’t that why I was here? To make a change? To draw the distinction between fairness and injustice?

I’m seriously depressed of the weakness of my own mentality, being unable to utter one point of authority over my own agendas – the ones which I should have held on tight to. I am depressed at the fact that I am seemingly giving up before even trying hard.

May Allah guide my path, and if becoming a lawyer on a bicycle is what I have to resort to in the face of all that nonsense, then I should as well start preparing myself for it.

By the way, I finished my IELTS last Saturday. If I were the examiner 7.5 would be out of the question, I probably don't deserve that much, but then again, tawakkal. Hehe. I did my best.