New Year's Post (Part 1)

It really is 2016. I'm turning 25 this year.

I've been hearing this lately - that wherever you end up, regardless of how you feel about it at the time, you will learn something. At least something.

I started 2015 as a fresh grad, facing that fresh grad syndrome of not knowing whether anyone would want to employ me for a period of one month or so. To be fair I've been angsting for the whole year before that so it probably was longer.

I've had 3 jobs over the span of last year. The first as a substitute English teacher. The second as a junior paralegal. The third as a government trainee of sorts. I can safely say that I've learned from all of them.

That brief time as a sub teacher taught me of the heavy burden that teachers face. You think teaching is easy? Go teach at a sekolah kebangsaan for one or two weeks. I've always had uncharitable thoughts towards some of my own teachers who fall short of my oh captain-my captain ideal. I thought that if you give me a class I'll surely do it the right way.

Sometime during that short period I ended up crying before a classroom full of students. Raised my voice and talked down to students who just won't reciprocate. Giving apologetic looks to teachers who pass by my class for not being able to keep the class volume down.

Your class will never be ideal enough for you to bring your teaching ideals to life. You can't exactly look at them as equals and expect them to reciprocate as equals do. When you first come in, establish your dominance or they'll walk all over you. Animal Planet voiceover played in my head as I justify shouting at my students. I generally don't shout to anyone outside my immediate family but my vocal box got a fair exercise those few weeks.

I also learn a lot from the teachers themselves. You have to really love teaching to be able to withstand this kind of stress for a long time. One particular teached wrote really personal, attentive notes on her students in her Buku Rekod Mengajar. Things like, the students disappointed me today, or, the students showed great initiative, they've improved - things like that. I'm not good at describing how it was but when I went through that one record book I got inspired by her dedication and tirelessness. How, despite losing her idealistic view of how students can be developed to their full potential years ago, she still does her best.

So, lesson: no matter what you end up becoming, do your best.

I'll talk about the other two jobs another time. For now, happy new year!!!

Just Can't Deal

How often do you have to tell yourself that you are good enough? That you don't have to tailor yourself to a certain ideal of personhood, because you think that it'll make you fit in the world better, become happier?

How often do you resign yourself to thinking, I have got to change because something needs to and others just won't so it'll have to be me?

Do you realise the burden of constantly measuring yourself to others - to always need to categorise between feeling superior or inferior, nothing in between? You must realise how tiresome and repulsive it is to be around someone who always has something to prove. But you need others to make sense of where you stand, how you're supposed to be.

You're not confident enough to believe that what you think is valid. You always need others in order to figure out where you stand. That's why despite your desire to grow you pathetically cling on.

2015'S Ending

Hello.

Quick update: currently attached to a government department, apprenticing in the lawmaking side of the law. Studying for CLP on the other. Apprehensive of the big snap when I finally hit my limit.

But anyway. I don't know what to talk about now. Every now and then I get the desire to sit down and write something, then think better of it and say, ah, later. Now I've got a long weekend and I don't know what to write about.

It has been a year since my graduation eh. I don't feel like I achieved much since then. I'm still a bumbling fresh grad in some ways, all kinds of insecure about the future. I see that obsessive fear of failure is still strongly embedded in me.

Now I'm just getting unnecessarily melancholic. CLP stress just doing things to my head. I think I'm getting hungry.

I Wish i'll Look Back And Say I'm Glad For 2015-2016

The worst is not over yet.

But you have to believe that you're at the right place, and that if you give your best you 'll make it through this phase.

Don't quit halfway. You can do it. You must believe in this.

If You Had 1 Million

This was one of the questions in the interview.

I was asked first.

I immediately answered, well, I'll give it to this initiative in which kids at the lower level classes can get a focused education. Because I saw firsthand how the kids struggle under the weight of this one-size-fits-all education.

You'll keep none for yourself?, they asked.

Well, maybe I'll take $10,000 for myself and my family.

Just $10,000?

$10,000 is a lot, I answered.

When they moved on to the others, they gave answers which I didn't even think of. Giving it to their family, paying for their siblings' education, etc.

Then I wondered if my answer was puny. I was probably high-charged in the interview atmosphere that I gave answers that I didn't mean.

But you know, I answered it that way because I didn't fully understand the context of the question. I was thinking under the assumption that the $1 million will never come to me for no reason. People just don't randomly get that kind of money. There must somewhat be a reason that money came into my hands.

When they asked the question, I really thought what they meant was, if you get $1 million from the government, where would you direct that money to? And I gave my most logical answer at the moment, because the education system is the sector I have been most involved in, as far as my life goes. $10,000 is a lot as a bonus.

When my friends and my friend's father were fetching me back, we discussed our answers. One friend said that he would have gotten a Ferrari (he didn't answer that in the interview, of course). And my other friend said that she would definitely invest in real estate. Her father thought exactly the same.

$1 million isn't a lot nowadays, they said.

And you know what, they're completely correct. That $1 million would have depleted instantly if you use it unthinkingly. If you invest well you may get some return, but even then the money is still finite.

I didn't think of the logistics of the plan when I answered. I just said it on a whim. If you're asking me a hypothetical question without any consequence, then I'll answer it with a similar level of import (low). That's why the answer flowed out of my mouth so effortlessly.

If they had asked me that properly, I would have said, take your money back, I don't know a single thing.

But anyway. I suppose this kind of question reveals the line of thinking that you have.

Those who answered that they will give it to their family, probably have strong familial ties and a strong sense of responsibility towards them. Those who answered in terms of investment, are probably realists who can put their answers in a proper perspective. These people are your best bet when it comes to getting things done.

If you answer unthinkingly like myself, you probably have no sense of consequence, unless you really mean to transform your thoughts into reality. I have none of that, for now.

Usual Ponderings

I wonder where I'll end up.

I wonder if I'll be happy.

I wonder if one day I'll wake up and realise that I don't actually want to be a lawyer.

That I somehow lucked my way into something I don't actually want to do.

I'm not cut out for it. I can go for some time on my lawyer-to-be mode. Confident, outspoken, friendly, with a strong sense of self-worth.

Then I realise: wow that was tiring.

Do I want to live the rest of my life doing something that takes too much out of me emotionally?

Is where I am all a big coincidence?

That this is all a big joke, and someday, I'll have to give this up, and start all over again.

It's not like it can't be done.

But I wonder, if where I'm going now, is where I'm going to be happy.

Note to Self

If I want to get better, I have to struggle. I'll have to pay for a level-up through bitter experience and hard work.

Flashy and Plain

I read lots of manga, and I can call this wisdom:

While you may not turn out like other people, like you aspire to, you can be yourself. You can only be the best that you can be. 

Don't be discouraged when all you can be is yourself. You are not a broken tool. You can do a lot with yourself. You don't necessarily have to do what others do to be useful.

A Week In

Don't apologise for nonsensical stuff.

Don't be needlessly afraid.

Don't take things personally.

Three things to internalise.

Everyone Is Busy

They're not unfriendly. They're just perpetually busy. Always off somewhere, doing stuff. Even when they're around their eyes are glued to their work. If I were them I would wish for the new kid to not make small talk just for the sake of it.

I wonder if this is how rich kids feel when their working parents have no time for them. I am so spoiled to be expecting the new-person treatment, to be shown around, to be talked to.

Truth be told I've never been around these types. Maybe if I think of myself as the heroine who's going to undergo some serious character development I'll endure all these changes and difficulties and be glad I took the plunge.

But in the meantime, I am intimidated beyond belief.

Fear

'Everything you want is on the other side of fear' - Jack Canfield.

'May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears' - Nelson Mandela

'I see someone's smile past the far end of grief'' - Hana Wa Saku

I'm starting as a paralegal Thomas Philip on the 9th. I've quit substitute teaching two days ago. This week will be spent preparing for my departure, and preparing myself mentally for this new phase in my life.

Until next time!

In which I ponder vocational responsibilities

So, an update - I'm subbing in for a teacher at a secondary school now, while I apply for jobs.

Somehow, I always end up in these types of jobs - the types that require high personal engagement with people - despite my declarations that I'll end up in some desk job, making my living out of paperwork. I used to babysit and housekeep, and had a brief stint in personal tutoring back in my university days. Three days into my subbing job, I start to feel like the world is trying to tell me something.

I like the satisfaction of working closely with people, to help them. Maybe my life will be more fulfilled if I devote myself towards a job that allows me to do that. The thing is, however, close human interaction drains the life out of me. It takes a lot of energy to get myself mentally composed before I go into class. It takes a lot of internal convincing to myself, that my duty will come to an end soon, that I did not screw up too badly, that I did not fail the students in the way I impart knowledge. I leave school on a high, and when I reach home I deflate. I go over the events of the day and feel so tired. If something went wrong - I replay it over and over in my head. As we speak, I feel weary about facing another day.

I can't be the only one. I wonder where introverted teachers get their fill of motivation, to do this their entire lives. Anyway --- who am I kidding, what other answer is there, but the students themselves.

Three days in, I like the students. The quiet ones, the loud ones, the playful ones, those who look like they would much rather be somewhere else. I don't know why. Probably because when I look at them, I feel like I can relate to them, and that the nature of the relationship is such that leaving an impact on each others' lives is an inevitability. 

This is something special for me because the norm in my life, and in my field of study I guess, is detachment. You get shit done according to the rules. You learn and better yourself in order to get further in life. You get to know people, because the more people you know, the more chances there are that you will know the right people - those who can pull you to a higher station. You deal with others according to well-defined boundaries - you have the necessary knowledge, the other relies on you for that - but you don't get personal. How that other person lives their life, and the type of person they become after they met you, are none of your concern.

When you work with students, you don't get that privilege(?). You must care about how they end up. You must care about how you impacted them. You must care about them, fullstop. And that is a big deal. 

But it's only three days in. I'll be honest - this post was brought about by an inappropriate response to an assignment, one which left me feeling somewhat harassed. But ma'lish. For as long as I can hold off my tendency to run away from overwhelming responsibilities and commitments, I'll do my best - because the students are worth it, as corny as that may sound.

In the meantime, let's sing Moonshadow.

I've been followed by a moonshadow, moonshadow moonshadow ~

Leaping and hopping on a moonshadow, moonshadow moonshadow ~

2015 Blogging

Wow. Hello. It's 2015.

I'm back home in LD at the moment, currently nursing a stomach flu (my insides are twisting up as I type).

I don't really have any news to share. Have to start looking for a fancy-schmancy job soon, and finally get down to owning a car licence.

In other words, the loom of becoming a full-fledged adult is coming closer. Hah. I've spent my last semester in uni getting troubled over this but my nerves aren't calmer now, compared to then.

Anyway. Maybe this blog will have more than the odd annual post from now on.

Whoop. Happy (?) 2015!