Mid-Year Post

I'm turning 25 this year. I don't know if this comes with being in quarter-life, so to speak, but according to the average life expectancy, I've already used up one-third of my lifespan.

(My parents and grandmas have much less time than that)

Being aware of my mortality has certain aspects. On one hand, it is scary and filled with anxiety. People I love will probably pass away without me. I might end up being bitter by unfulfilled dreams.

And, looking at how my grandma is, I fear the feeling of loneliness and not having much to live for when my loved ones (when I am old) will not pay attention to me anymore.

I'm not a stranger to loneliness. When I used to live in Australia I wondered somethimes how long it would take for anyone to figure out my death or disappearance if it came to that. I was the type that don't call home much, don't go out much. It was completely normal not to come across batchmates for long periods of time, since we have different schedules.

But at that time I was okay with being lonely. I had my pride, like I don't need others to fill my time or to amuse myself.

I wonder if I will still have that pride later in life.

On the other hand, my awareness of that ticking clock gives me an odd sense of wanting to make use of it well.

Pleasing others and keeping up appearances really does amount to a waste of time. I used to be in this group that focuses on self-betterment and evangelism.

That group was fine, but I did not fully accept their ideology, and their self-imposed standards of spirituality are too high for me to reach. But I dallied on in that group longer, mostly because of the bonds I've made and fear of judgment from others.

I eventually left, but I should have left sooner.

My sister too went through something like this, but her departure was more dramatic. Put aside all those higher-plane thoughts, do you really want to stick to something that you don't fully believe in, and gives you feelings of being fundamentally lacking?

This is related to another thing: since our lifespans are so short, shouldn't that mean that everyone should be able to choose their way of life without having to worry about others' standards and values (as long as you're not harming anyone, of course). If you waste someone's life by dictating this and that for them, in a lifespan that's really theirs, aren't you being a fool?

At this moment in time, I am content with studying/working, and devoting my life to certain superficial pleasures like watching anime or spending money on tasty food. I don't think I should feel lacking as compared to people who gave some sort of higher life purpose, because you know, happiness comes from different places for different people.

But despite all these realisations about how I should look at things in the long run, given the one-third of sand already gone from the top of the hourglass, I still can't help but worry for the present. Things like, how on earth am I going to pass my exams and how disastrous it would be to fail. So much that I can't go to sleep and type a note instead.

Ah, I should go to sleep.

New Year's Post (Part 1)

It really is 2016. I'm turning 25 this year.

I've been hearing this lately - that wherever you end up, regardless of how you feel about it at the time, you will learn something. At least something.

I started 2015 as a fresh grad, facing that fresh grad syndrome of not knowing whether anyone would want to employ me for a period of one month or so. To be fair I've been angsting for the whole year before that so it probably was longer.

I've had 3 jobs over the span of last year. The first as a substitute English teacher. The second as a junior paralegal. The third as a government trainee of sorts. I can safely say that I've learned from all of them.

That brief time as a sub teacher taught me of the heavy burden that teachers face. You think teaching is easy? Go teach at a sekolah kebangsaan for one or two weeks. I've always had uncharitable thoughts towards some of my own teachers who fall short of my oh captain-my captain ideal. I thought that if you give me a class I'll surely do it the right way.

Sometime during that short period I ended up crying before a classroom full of students. Raised my voice and talked down to students who just won't reciprocate. Giving apologetic looks to teachers who pass by my class for not being able to keep the class volume down.

Your class will never be ideal enough for you to bring your teaching ideals to life. You can't exactly look at them as equals and expect them to reciprocate as equals do. When you first come in, establish your dominance or they'll walk all over you. Animal Planet voiceover played in my head as I justify shouting at my students. I generally don't shout to anyone outside my immediate family but my vocal box got a fair exercise those few weeks.

I also learn a lot from the teachers themselves. You have to really love teaching to be able to withstand this kind of stress for a long time. One particular teached wrote really personal, attentive notes on her students in her Buku Rekod Mengajar. Things like, the students disappointed me today, or, the students showed great initiative, they've improved - things like that. I'm not good at describing how it was but when I went through that one record book I got inspired by her dedication and tirelessness. How, despite losing her idealistic view of how students can be developed to their full potential years ago, she still does her best.

So, lesson: no matter what you end up becoming, do your best.

I'll talk about the other two jobs another time. For now, happy new year!!!

Just Can't Deal

How often do you have to tell yourself that you are good enough? That you don't have to tailor yourself to a certain ideal of personhood, because you think that it'll make you fit in the world better, become happier?

How often do you resign yourself to thinking, I have got to change because something needs to and others just won't so it'll have to be me?

Do you realise the burden of constantly measuring yourself to others - to always need to categorise between feeling superior or inferior, nothing in between? You must realise how tiresome and repulsive it is to be around someone who always has something to prove. But you need others to make sense of where you stand, how you're supposed to be.

You're not confident enough to believe that what you think is valid. You always need others in order to figure out where you stand. That's why despite your desire to grow you pathetically cling on.

2015'S Ending

Hello.

Quick update: currently attached to a government department, apprenticing in the lawmaking side of the law. Studying for CLP on the other. Apprehensive of the big snap when I finally hit my limit.

But anyway. I don't know what to talk about now. Every now and then I get the desire to sit down and write something, then think better of it and say, ah, later. Now I've got a long weekend and I don't know what to write about.

It has been a year since my graduation eh. I don't feel like I achieved much since then. I'm still a bumbling fresh grad in some ways, all kinds of insecure about the future. I see that obsessive fear of failure is still strongly embedded in me.

Now I'm just getting unnecessarily melancholic. CLP stress just doing things to my head. I think I'm getting hungry.

I Wish i'll Look Back And Say I'm Glad For 2015-2016

The worst is not over yet.

But you have to believe that you're at the right place, and that if you give your best you 'll make it through this phase.

Don't quit halfway. You can do it. You must believe in this.

If You Had 1 Million

This was one of the questions in the interview.

I was asked first.

I immediately answered, well, I'll give it to this initiative in which kids at the lower level classes can get a focused education. Because I saw firsthand how the kids struggle under the weight of this one-size-fits-all education.

You'll keep none for yourself?, they asked.

Well, maybe I'll take $10,000 for myself and my family.

Just $10,000?

$10,000 is a lot, I answered.

When they moved on to the others, they gave answers which I didn't even think of. Giving it to their family, paying for their siblings' education, etc.

Then I wondered if my answer was puny. I was probably high-charged in the interview atmosphere that I gave answers that I didn't mean.

But you know, I answered it that way because I didn't fully understand the context of the question. I was thinking under the assumption that the $1 million will never come to me for no reason. People just don't randomly get that kind of money. There must somewhat be a reason that money came into my hands.

When they asked the question, I really thought what they meant was, if you get $1 million from the government, where would you direct that money to? And I gave my most logical answer at the moment, because the education system is the sector I have been most involved in, as far as my life goes. $10,000 is a lot as a bonus.

When my friends and my friend's father were fetching me back, we discussed our answers. One friend said that he would have gotten a Ferrari (he didn't answer that in the interview, of course). And my other friend said that she would definitely invest in real estate. Her father thought exactly the same.

$1 million isn't a lot nowadays, they said.

And you know what, they're completely correct. That $1 million would have depleted instantly if you use it unthinkingly. If you invest well you may get some return, but even then the money is still finite.

I didn't think of the logistics of the plan when I answered. I just said it on a whim. If you're asking me a hypothetical question without any consequence, then I'll answer it with a similar level of import (low). That's why the answer flowed out of my mouth so effortlessly.

If they had asked me that properly, I would have said, take your money back, I don't know a single thing.

But anyway. I suppose this kind of question reveals the line of thinking that you have.

Those who answered that they will give it to their family, probably have strong familial ties and a strong sense of responsibility towards them. Those who answered in terms of investment, are probably realists who can put their answers in a proper perspective. These people are your best bet when it comes to getting things done.

If you answer unthinkingly like myself, you probably have no sense of consequence, unless you really mean to transform your thoughts into reality. I have none of that, for now.

Usual Ponderings

I wonder where I'll end up.

I wonder if I'll be happy.

I wonder if one day I'll wake up and realise that I don't actually want to be a lawyer.

That I somehow lucked my way into something I don't actually want to do.

I'm not cut out for it. I can go for some time on my lawyer-to-be mode. Confident, outspoken, friendly, with a strong sense of self-worth.

Then I realise: wow that was tiring.

Do I want to live the rest of my life doing something that takes too much out of me emotionally?

Is where I am all a big coincidence?

That this is all a big joke, and someday, I'll have to give this up, and start all over again.

It's not like it can't be done.

But I wonder, if where I'm going now, is where I'm going to be happy.