(My parents and grandmas have much less time than that)
Being aware of my mortality has certain aspects. On one hand, it is scary and filled with anxiety. People I love will probably pass away without me. I might end up being bitter by unfulfilled dreams.
And, looking at how my grandma is, I fear the feeling of loneliness and not having much to live for when my loved ones (when I am old) will not pay attention to me anymore.
I'm not a stranger to loneliness. When I used to live in Australia I wondered somethimes how long it would take for anyone to figure out my death or disappearance if it came to that. I was the type that don't call home much, don't go out much. It was completely normal not to come across batchmates for long periods of time, since we have different schedules.
But at that time I was okay with being lonely. I had my pride, like I don't need others to fill my time or to amuse myself.
I wonder if I will still have that pride later in life.
On the other hand, my awareness of that ticking clock gives me an odd sense of wanting to make use of it well.
Pleasing others and keeping up appearances really does amount to a waste of time. I used to be in this group that focuses on self-betterment and evangelism.
That group was fine, but I did not fully accept their ideology, and their self-imposed standards of spirituality are too high for me to reach. But I dallied on in that group longer, mostly because of the bonds I've made and fear of judgment from others.
I eventually left, but I should have left sooner.
My sister too went through something like this, but her departure was more dramatic. Put aside all those higher-plane thoughts, do you really want to stick to something that you don't fully believe in, and gives you feelings of being fundamentally lacking?
This is related to another thing: since our lifespans are so short, shouldn't that mean that everyone should be able to choose their way of life without having to worry about others' standards and values (as long as you're not harming anyone, of course). If you waste someone's life by dictating this and that for them, in a lifespan that's really theirs, aren't you being a fool?
At this moment in time, I am content with studying/working, and devoting my life to certain superficial pleasures like watching anime or spending money on tasty food. I don't think I should feel lacking as compared to people who gave some sort of higher life purpose, because you know, happiness comes from different places for different people.
But despite all these realisations about how I should look at things in the long run, given the one-third of sand already gone from the top of the hourglass, I still can't help but worry for the present. Things like, how on earth am I going to pass my exams and how disastrous it would be to fail. So much that I can't go to sleep and type a note instead.
Ah, I should go to sleep.
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