Somehow, I always end up in these types of jobs - the types that require high personal engagement with people - despite my declarations that I'll end up in some desk job, making my living out of paperwork. I used to babysit and housekeep, and had a brief stint in personal tutoring back in my university days. Three days into my subbing job, I start to feel like the world is trying to tell me something.
I like the satisfaction of working closely with people, to help them. Maybe my life will be more fulfilled if I devote myself towards a job that allows me to do that. The thing is, however, close human interaction drains the life out of me. It takes a lot of energy to get myself mentally composed before I go into class. It takes a lot of internal convincing to myself, that my duty will come to an end soon, that I did not screw up too badly, that I did not fail the students in the way I impart knowledge. I leave school on a high, and when I reach home I deflate. I go over the events of the day and feel so tired. If something went wrong - I replay it over and over in my head. As we speak, I feel weary about facing another day.
I can't be the only one. I wonder where introverted teachers get their fill of motivation, to do this their entire lives. Anyway --- who am I kidding, what other answer is there, but the students themselves.
Three days in, I like the students. The quiet ones, the loud ones, the playful ones, those who look like they would much rather be somewhere else. I don't know why. Probably because when I look at them, I feel like I can relate to them, and that the nature of the relationship is such that leaving an impact on each others' lives is an inevitability.
This is something special for me because the norm in my life, and in my field of study I guess, is detachment. You get shit done according to the rules. You learn and better yourself in order to get further in life. You get to know people, because the more people you know, the more chances there are that you will know the right people - those who can pull you to a higher station. You deal with others according to well-defined boundaries - you have the necessary knowledge, the other relies on you for that - but you don't get personal. How that other person lives their life, and the type of person they become after they met you, are none of your concern.
When you work with students, you don't get that privilege(?). You must care about how they end up. You must care about how you impacted them. You must care about them, fullstop. And that is a big deal.
But it's only three days in. I'll be honest - this post was brought about by an inappropriate response to an assignment, one which left me feeling somewhat harassed. But ma'lish. For as long as I can hold off my tendency to run away from overwhelming responsibilities and commitments, I'll do my best - because the students are worth it, as corny as that may sound.
In the meantime, let's sing Moonshadow.
I've been followed by a moonshadow, moonshadow moonshadow ~
Leaping and hopping on a moonshadow, moonshadow moonshadow ~
No comments:
Post a Comment