A Beautiful Homage

http://cinta-teragung.blogspot.com/2010/10/seorang-pahlawan-kehidupan.html


Thank you, Pak. We love you.

Life, You're Beautiful.

All I needed was the enlightenment. That was all.

It's all predetermined. How I would do in my finals, whether I would pass or not, and whether I would become all that the 17-year-old idealist in me, aspired to be, that too is long decided.

All I have to do is do my absolute best, and tawakkal.

Yes, I have been thinking that if I pull this off, by mid-December I would be looking back in reminiscence of my little trip down identity crisis stage, and where I found my passion again. 

But I'm not at mid-December. I'm two days away from my finals and a LOT could happen before that.

And all that has happened up to this point, was really for the best. So yes, I may or may not fly to Australia. But before that I resolve to give my all. 

I'd be lying if that thought alone did not slit my meek mental strength hard, the thought of disappointing my family, and the embarrassment they and I myself have to bear. 

But not yet. I'll get down to all of that later. Life will go on anyway, like it always does. Now it's time to do what I can.

Now I will get back to forcing myself to churn out an inspirational, sob-worthy statement of purpose and Legals essays.

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

Dawned

My finals are starting on Monday.


And truth be told I am NOT ready.


And should I fail to pass the cut-off mark I would face bloody regret my whole life.


Because I know I'm the only one at blame. No other.


My family's hopes and dreams, my responsibilities. All those taxpayer's money funding my studies here.


All for nothing. All for a stress-free life and a whole loads of meaningless sleep.


I don't deserve any of the luck I have today. 


I am way too stupid to even realize that I can't get away with last-minute studying my whole life.


And I was fully conscious of the decisions that I made.


Decisions that led me to this.


Ya Rabb, forgive me. 


Forgive me.

Solitude

I've been facing chronic sleep problems of late.

Last few days, I laid in bed at 1 am. 

I finally managed to sleep sometime between 4 am-5 am and woke up at 6 am - 7 am for the 8 am class.

The worst thing is, it's not from lack of trying to sleep.

I keep replaying the worst-case-scenario at night.

I'm so close to it, yet so far.

I need your hidayah, Ya Rabb. I need that quiet spirit that used to help me stride. I need that ability to smile at anything.

I miss the me who used to say, "Try me".

I miss the old me.

You're Something Like The Dream I Forgot I Wanted To Dream

If I may digress from all the hustle and bustle of mere nothingness please?

Thank you, ya Rabb. Thank you for clearing my eyes.

Dear Strut-And-Fretting Self

Assalamualaikum w.b.t.

Don't be afraid of what you do not know.

Anybody can be a rebel but not all are with a cause. Some people go around like big shots criticizing things they don't really know about. Here's a suggestion. Feel free to criticize all you want but please actually know what you're talking about.

Only then would you start being part of the changes you want to see.

And Hereby I Declare

That I won't let this Ramadan just pass me by.

It is a lifetime of wonderful I'm living. Maybe sometimes the choices I make are the ones which taint it. But I always have a way to cleanse my mistakes. I have Allah, and I can always beg for forgiveness, to start anew.

And hereby I declare that:

1. I would maximize my amalan this Ramadhan, and make everything I do is for Allah.
2. I would do my absolute best to get 5A's for the upcoming trials.
3. I would not waste my time anymore.

Pray for me. I'm posting this so I would feel guilty if I break my own publicly-made promise. And the decree starts...

NOW.

Insyaallah! Assalamualaikum. :)