Dawned

My finals are starting on Monday.


And truth be told I am NOT ready.


And should I fail to pass the cut-off mark I would face bloody regret my whole life.


Because I know I'm the only one at blame. No other.


My family's hopes and dreams, my responsibilities. All those taxpayer's money funding my studies here.


All for nothing. All for a stress-free life and a whole loads of meaningless sleep.


I don't deserve any of the luck I have today. 


I am way too stupid to even realize that I can't get away with last-minute studying my whole life.


And I was fully conscious of the decisions that I made.


Decisions that led me to this.


Ya Rabb, forgive me. 


Forgive me.

Solitude

I've been facing chronic sleep problems of late.

Last few days, I laid in bed at 1 am. 

I finally managed to sleep sometime between 4 am-5 am and woke up at 6 am - 7 am for the 8 am class.

The worst thing is, it's not from lack of trying to sleep.

I keep replaying the worst-case-scenario at night.

I'm so close to it, yet so far.

I need your hidayah, Ya Rabb. I need that quiet spirit that used to help me stride. I need that ability to smile at anything.

I miss the me who used to say, "Try me".

I miss the old me.

You're Something Like The Dream I Forgot I Wanted To Dream

If I may digress from all the hustle and bustle of mere nothingness please?

Thank you, ya Rabb. Thank you for clearing my eyes.

Dear Strut-And-Fretting Self

Assalamualaikum w.b.t.

Don't be afraid of what you do not know.

Anybody can be a rebel but not all are with a cause. Some people go around like big shots criticizing things they don't really know about. Here's a suggestion. Feel free to criticize all you want but please actually know what you're talking about.

Only then would you start being part of the changes you want to see.

And Hereby I Declare

That I won't let this Ramadan just pass me by.

It is a lifetime of wonderful I'm living. Maybe sometimes the choices I make are the ones which taint it. But I always have a way to cleanse my mistakes. I have Allah, and I can always beg for forgiveness, to start anew.

And hereby I declare that:

1. I would maximize my amalan this Ramadhan, and make everything I do is for Allah.
2. I would do my absolute best to get 5A's for the upcoming trials.
3. I would not waste my time anymore.

Pray for me. I'm posting this so I would feel guilty if I break my own publicly-made promise. And the decree starts...

NOW.

Insyaallah! Assalamualaikum. :)

The Blank Pages Left Unwritten

When I'm alone, I dream on the horizon. And words fail. Yes, I know there is no light in a room where the sun is not there. If you are not with me. At the windows, show everyone my heart which you set alight. Enclose within me the light you encountered on the street.

Time to say goodbye to countries I never saw and shared with you. Now, yes, I shall experience them. I’ll go with you on ships across seas. Which, I know, exist no longer. With you I shall experience them.

When you are far away I dream on the horizon. And words fail. And yes, I know that you are with me. You, my moon, are here with me. My sun, you are here with me.

With me, with me, with me.

('Con Te Partiro', Lucio Quarantotto)

That was what I was expecting you to write on. But you left anyway, and I’m left with what could have been. I know what you’re saying: I have to stop looking at the words that are not there, and see the ones you wrote.

And that, I wrote a smile in my own pages and, another day I gathered the strength to pull through. Just another day. My pages need writing, and I hope when it’s finally time to put down my pen, I would know how it feels to be you.

I forgot my promises, but now I remember. Why, after committing sins I was aware of, why?

Forgive me ya Allah, forgive me my beloved ones. Your love now pulled me back to the ground, and I would try to compensate for the sins I've made.

My Posts Are Done During Assignments

And I'm sure it's the same for everybody, is it not? Escapism is our common denominator.

So is forgetfulness, except for maybe some of us.

How many hours of the day do we go about our own realizing the true incandescence of the matter that Heaven is way too priceless for people who merely go about their lives.

Funny how we only savor the perilous road when we realize it's handpicked by Allah S.W.T. for us.

And funny, how easily do we forget - while being lullabied away from our senses with the pleasures of the world.

While being tricked by our own masquerade - do we even realize when we become holier-than-thou?

Or while being so caught up in the demands of day-to-day living?

The world is hell for true mukmins. And it's way too short a journey for us to pay the rightful price of Heaven.

Ask ourselves: do we deserve Heaven at the rate we're going?

The little girl with the uneven specks of face powder is heaven-bound, insya-Allah. And that thought alone keeps us going.

Yes, I may remember now. But it's a long path to tread and I'm human. I forget inevitably.

That's why, friend, I need you to remind me, always wake me up from my ecstasies.

"But seek, with the (wealth) which Allah has bestowed on thee, the Home of the Hereafter, nor forget thy portion in this world: but do thou good, as Allah has been good to thee, and seek not (occasions for) mischief in the land: for Allah loves not those who do mischief."
Al-Qasas: 77

Assalamualaikum.