A Week In

Don't apologise for nonsensical stuff.

Don't be needlessly afraid.

Don't take things personally.

Three things to internalise.

Everyone Is Busy

They're not unfriendly. They're just perpetually busy. Always off somewhere, doing stuff. Even when they're around their eyes are glued to their work. If I were them I would wish for the new kid to not make small talk just for the sake of it.

I wonder if this is how rich kids feel when their working parents have no time for them. I am so spoiled to be expecting the new-person treatment, to be shown around, to be talked to.

Truth be told I've never been around these types. Maybe if I think of myself as the heroine who's going to undergo some serious character development I'll endure all these changes and difficulties and be glad I took the plunge.

But in the meantime, I am intimidated beyond belief.

Fear

'Everything you want is on the other side of fear' - Jack Canfield.

'May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears' - Nelson Mandela

'I see someone's smile past the far end of grief'' - Hana Wa Saku

I'm starting as a paralegal Thomas Philip on the 9th. I've quit substitute teaching two days ago. This week will be spent preparing for my departure, and preparing myself mentally for this new phase in my life.

Until next time!

In which I ponder vocational responsibilities

So, an update - I'm subbing in for a teacher at a secondary school now, while I apply for jobs.

Somehow, I always end up in these types of jobs - the types that require high personal engagement with people - despite my declarations that I'll end up in some desk job, making my living out of paperwork. I used to babysit and housekeep, and had a brief stint in personal tutoring back in my university days. Three days into my subbing job, I start to feel like the world is trying to tell me something.

I like the satisfaction of working closely with people, to help them. Maybe my life will be more fulfilled if I devote myself towards a job that allows me to do that. The thing is, however, close human interaction drains the life out of me. It takes a lot of energy to get myself mentally composed before I go into class. It takes a lot of internal convincing to myself, that my duty will come to an end soon, that I did not screw up too badly, that I did not fail the students in the way I impart knowledge. I leave school on a high, and when I reach home I deflate. I go over the events of the day and feel so tired. If something went wrong - I replay it over and over in my head. As we speak, I feel weary about facing another day.

I can't be the only one. I wonder where introverted teachers get their fill of motivation, to do this their entire lives. Anyway --- who am I kidding, what other answer is there, but the students themselves.

Three days in, I like the students. The quiet ones, the loud ones, the playful ones, those who look like they would much rather be somewhere else. I don't know why. Probably because when I look at them, I feel like I can relate to them, and that the nature of the relationship is such that leaving an impact on each others' lives is an inevitability. 

This is something special for me because the norm in my life, and in my field of study I guess, is detachment. You get shit done according to the rules. You learn and better yourself in order to get further in life. You get to know people, because the more people you know, the more chances there are that you will know the right people - those who can pull you to a higher station. You deal with others according to well-defined boundaries - you have the necessary knowledge, the other relies on you for that - but you don't get personal. How that other person lives their life, and the type of person they become after they met you, are none of your concern.

When you work with students, you don't get that privilege(?). You must care about how they end up. You must care about how you impacted them. You must care about them, fullstop. And that is a big deal. 

But it's only three days in. I'll be honest - this post was brought about by an inappropriate response to an assignment, one which left me feeling somewhat harassed. But ma'lish. For as long as I can hold off my tendency to run away from overwhelming responsibilities and commitments, I'll do my best - because the students are worth it, as corny as that may sound.

In the meantime, let's sing Moonshadow.

I've been followed by a moonshadow, moonshadow moonshadow ~

Leaping and hopping on a moonshadow, moonshadow moonshadow ~

2015 Blogging

Wow. Hello. It's 2015.

I'm back home in LD at the moment, currently nursing a stomach flu (my insides are twisting up as I type).

I don't really have any news to share. Have to start looking for a fancy-schmancy job soon, and finally get down to owning a car licence.

In other words, the loom of becoming a full-fledged adult is coming closer. Hah. I've spent my last semester in uni getting troubled over this but my nerves aren't calmer now, compared to then.

Anyway. Maybe this blog will have more than the odd annual post from now on.

Whoop. Happy (?) 2015!

3-Plus Weeks To Exams

Obligatory monthly post, go!

I'm well. I took the plunge a few days ago and finally, finally bought an air ticket somewhere, just for myself. For the past three years I have always managed to sabotage (consciously, subconsciously) my own travelling plans - I cannot even begin to mention how many times I got myself riled up, got others riled up (sorry!) and ended up not going instead. Multiple reasons for this: money anxieties, guilt at self-indulgence and frivolities, fear of going outside my comfort zone, fear of regrets.

If I were left alone to these issues I would have dismissed travel as being outside of reach for people like myself. I would have been relieved at the guilt of not doing much with my life when I have the chance. I would have closed off tabs about places I wanted to go and carry on with my life with no issues whatsoever. But I was lucky to have been surrounded by go-getter types - the types who would make plans for themselves and to go ahead with it. I have been looking at them in envy (and antagonism, maybe) of their spontaneous nature and their circumstances in life, which enabled them to pursue whatever they please.

Over time, I came to learn my dissatisfaction had less to do with others, and more to do with myself. I have willingly placed shackles over myself, and grounded my desires to a state of mediocrity. If I truly wanted something, and if I had the means of doing my best in pursuit of it, I truly had no excuse to not do it, to cower in fear of the unknown.

So I did it.

Afterwards, I could not stop myself from going through the worst-case scenarios. Why did I do it, why did I do it, why did I do it. I spent the best part of yesterday in wariness and regret, trembling over the the fact that I was actually doing it. You may snort at the unnecessarily overblown reaction to the mere purchase of a flight ticket. To me, it presented a scary prospect - going somewhere on your own accord, on your own effort, not having others to support you in case you run yourself dry. You could be the driving force of your ruin, when you can perceive that there are so many ways things could go wrong.

But I have slept on it since, and I'm beginning to look forward to it. Iku yo!

Ganbarimasu!

To have antagonised hardships
and always starting by looking at the simpler ways to go about.

I began looking at things as troublesome chores
and found routine in giving up any notions of trying.

My only possession was reliance on others,
barely pushing through on their good graces.

But what claim had I, for myself?

I have nothing to be proud of, nothing to show for myself,
no effort of my own, no personal accomplishments.

Ceaselessly I trained a weak disposition, frail resolve, self-loathing.
To the point of losing every ounce of earnestness
and not remembering when it was gone.

More admirable I might have been, when I was the idiot
who foresaw humiliation and failures
but ploughed on for lack of deliberation.

I have come for enlightenment and returned with soul rotten by leisure.
How degraded is a pride infested by complacency?