Obligatory monthly post, go!
I'm well. I took the plunge a few days ago and finally, finally bought an air ticket somewhere, just for myself. For the past three years I have always managed to sabotage (consciously, subconsciously) my own travelling plans - I cannot even begin to mention how many times I got myself riled up, got others riled up (sorry!) and ended up not going instead. Multiple reasons for this: money anxieties, guilt at self-indulgence and frivolities, fear of going outside my comfort zone, fear of regrets.
If I were left alone to these issues I would have dismissed travel as being outside of reach for people like myself. I would have been relieved at the guilt of not doing much with my life when I have the chance. I would have closed off tabs about places I wanted to go and carry on with my life with no issues whatsoever. But I was lucky to have been surrounded by go-getter types - the types who would make plans for themselves and to go ahead with it. I have been looking at them in envy (and antagonism, maybe) of their spontaneous nature and their circumstances in life, which enabled them to pursue whatever they please.
Over time, I came to learn my dissatisfaction had less to do with others, and more to do with myself. I have willingly placed shackles over myself, and grounded my desires to a state of mediocrity. If I truly wanted something, and if I had the means of doing my best in pursuit of it, I truly had no excuse to not do it, to cower in fear of the unknown.
So I did it.
Afterwards, I could not stop myself from going through the worst-case scenarios. Why did I do it, why did I do it, why did I do it. I spent the best part of yesterday in wariness and regret, trembling over the the fact that I was actually doing it. You may snort at the unnecessarily overblown reaction to the mere purchase of a flight ticket. To me, it presented a scary prospect - going somewhere on your own accord, on your own effort, not having others to support you in case you run yourself dry. You could be the driving force of your ruin, when you can perceive that there are so many ways things could go wrong.
But I have slept on it since, and I'm beginning to look forward to it. Iku yo!
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