Hush

I was too exhausted to become a twenty-hour-a-day person, and too slow with the rest of my work to get outside sources in the twelve to fourteen hours I studied each day. And compared to people like Harold and Ned, I had nothing worth saying in class. I made mistakes - in fact, silly blunders. If lucky, I was mediocre. And my conviction of my mediocrity was sour and unhappy. I had given up a good career, some security and distinction, to be swallowed in the horde, to confront intelligence which overshadowed my own. The shame at what I'd lost and was incapable of doing had become acute; and the day I embarrassed myself by making that mistake in Mann's class, I was low enough that my feelings worsened into something harrowing. 


Walking out of that session, I was as close to tears as I had been in a decade. I wanted to explain to Mann, to all my classmates, that I really wasn't dumb or indiscreet, that I was able to accomplish many things worth doing. But there was no way to prove that, to them or even to myself.


- Scott Turow, One L.


Nobody said it was going to be easy.

Adamant as I was prior to handing in the assessment that I would not put a value on myself or any others based on the mark I would receive, it still did little to soften the blow.

I was adamant that I would do it on my own, I would adhere to what I think is right because I needed some proof to myself that I would still be able to stick to the ground I believe in, and I would not let circumstances get in the way of my conscience.

Turns out reassurance only qualifies in cases where you do well. Oh how many consolatory words I have said, and they seemed so rational when you are on top. But when you are clutching at straws, trying to reconcile your self esteem with regards to the reality of adversarial education, those words no longer make sense.

Sadist

"You know what's great about emo hair?"

Silence. "It cuts itself!"

Oh what a ba-dum-tss moment. But everyone laughed heartily anyway.

Sigh.

You didn't arrive to where you are by mistake. You get tested on the things you are weakest in so you work on them. Itulah tarbiyah dari Allah. No running away. You either conquer that weakness or you get it again.

And when the time calls for a change in my attitude, my behaviour and my disposition, I chose to let my jealousy, my riak, my insecurities, my frailty in principle take over.

On another note, I found a very affecting thought on facebook the other day (where else?):

"You desperately want to be someone else but others dream of being you"

Struggle is in itself an end. :(

Futur

"Saya sedang futur sekarang. Tolong bagi saya masa"


Aku sudah berapa kali entah cakap ayat begini. The subtext is: You are all suffocating me. You holy people stay away from me, quit making me feel like such a degenerate. Stop calling me up, asking me to come to your programs, stop forcing me to feel what isn't there. A good friend reflected:


"Kalau zaman sahabat dulu, mereka akan cakap yang dah futur lepas diorang dah penat pergi berperang, penat sangat-sangat. Penat luar biasa la senang kata. Baru lah diorang akan cakap diorang ni futur.
Dalam kes kita ni, kadang-kadang kita cuma rasa tak ada mood je, tak ada semangat je. Rasa letih sebab assignment banyak. So malas nak fikir pasal tarbiyyah diri.
So lepas ni sebelum kita kata, "aku futur", apa kata kita muhasabah balik dan cakap, "Layak ke aku cakap aku futur padahal aku tak la buat kerja macam sahabat buat dulu pun."

Nobody's born perfect. And futur is a deep hole, it always (in my case anyway) drowns out any light of reason. Everything feels like an unfathomable aversion. You start to reconcile the thought that maybe, just maybe, this is the right way to live.

I've had my regular share of futur, having somebody to tell you to click out of it is not that pleasant. It compounds to your whole sentiment about a way of life at that time, and it might lead you further away. So I'm not going to say 'snap out of it' like it is a battle easily fought.

And nobody's going to tell you it is easy. It isn't. But it is a battle worth fighting. It would not befall you if you don't have what it takes to get through that phase without faltering in effort.

Futur is a matter of conquering our own selves. So let's mujahadah! Mari paksa diri! Mari sama-sama lawan futur kita!

Jazakillah - Have I Said That Before?

Kak Alaq's prototype jaulah card.

"Ariah, dalam ni ada lagu apa?"

"Oh, tiada apa-apa sangat pun"

"Apa yang tak adanya?"

"Cuma lagu-lagu jahiliah ja pun... Tak best kalau awak dengar"

"Oh... Kalau begitu... tukarlah, kan?"

Forgive me, oh friend, if my ego oftentimes put me in a trance, blacking out every good intention you had. You may make the least sense and your words may feel hypocritically preachy and holier-than-thou to the me who has too long strayed into impaired judgment. But please, don't let those days take you away from me.

But You Didn't Need To Cut Me Off

Now and then 

I think of all the times you screwed me over,

but you had me believing 

that it was something that I've done. 

But I don't want to live that way, 

reading into every word you say.

You said that you could let it go,  

and I wouldn't catch you hung up 

on somebody you used to know. .

-Gotye, Somebody I Used To Know.

# edited: The video for the song.

Made My Day

Only heartless people don't like ickle and Lardee.



The above picture is part of the post in http://mymilktoof.blogspot.com/2011/08/sick-lardee.html. Read it. It's an order.

Parenthood

I actually had this picture in my draft since early last year, I just never found any context for it.

Who needs context anyway? To my parents, for my childhood:

From Rick Kuhn's page.