I Really Love The Feeling Of Cherishing What I Have

I'm eighteen. And starting to realize what being eighteen feels like.

I feel like this is the point I'd like to stop transitioning. Oh, I feel so old in my own immaturity.

Where my home  is seldom completely tidy and clean, thanks to the unruly brats. Oh, and the unruly brats’ shrill sounds in the morning when I am sleeping, and the mornings I wake up without having the equivalent of a heart attack.

One of the little things I learn to love. My dull life, my simple life, is my life. I don’t want to live another person’s life, because then I wouldn’t have all these beautiful things that may seem petty to others, but is the subject of my imagination when I was in the seventh floor of Casa Subang looking outside the window to see so many signs of life, and still felt incomplete.

It feels like I never left home when I’m here, and to feel that someday I have to venture outside the confines of my comfort zone is melancholic enough.

I mean. I’m not going to live at my parents’ forever. The little horrors would grow up, and people die. My parents will die. And I will too.

That’s why I’m cherishing these things now, and let time do its magic.

After all. I'm trying to relinquish my adulthood of responsibilities and hold on to my diminishing carefree childhood. But man proposes, God disposes.

And because I know that Allah S.W.T. would take care of me, I know that I'll survive, even though sometimes it may feel like rock bottom.

P/S : I am mumbling and bored.

P/P/S : I got more than what I bargained for my IELTS. Alhamdulillah :). But my parents manage to see a loophole in it. Haha.

The Five And Sixth Senses Make Me Depressed. So How?

Assalamualaikum to my best friends and my sister - the only ones who read this blog.

I used to wonder why Mr. V didn’t practice. He had the gift of the gab, the confidence, the analytical mind and every ingredient one needs to become a great lawyer but he opted become a lecturer instead.

Now that I knew the reason, I felt like I shouldn’t have asked.

“Conscience got the better of me”

He could earn good, and I mean good by really good money by staying on to his primary pursuit of career, but he regarded it nothing as compared to the sacrifices he had to make.

Sacrifices included his reluctant involvement into corruptions off all sorts.

“Honesty is a fairytale these days. They don’t exist. If you insist on being honest, you would be a lawyer on a bicycle”

Time to get back to my basics. So I know that achieving what I set out for would mean going against the system that is and would be funding the rest of my studies  - which may mean either disloyalty or honesty.

And to tell me that such things no longer exist. What a boost to my confidence, eh?

Now I agree when people tell me that what I advocate is the pathway to hell, beautifully masqueraded by the facade of individuals actually standing a chance in making a change – a change.

Now. Wasn’t that why I was here? To make a change? To draw the distinction between fairness and injustice?

I’m seriously depressed of the weakness of my own mentality, being unable to utter one point of authority over my own agendas – the ones which I should have held on tight to. I am depressed at the fact that I am seemingly giving up before even trying hard.

May Allah guide my path, and if becoming a lawyer on a bicycle is what I have to resort to in the face of all that nonsense, then I should as well start preparing myself for it.

By the way, I finished my IELTS last Saturday. If I were the examiner 7.5 would be out of the question, I probably don't deserve that much, but then again, tawakkal. Hehe. I did my best.

The First Star Of The Evening

Assalamualaikum w.b.t.

During class Ustaz asked us, how do we interpret liberation?

Liberation is freedom from the clutches of the unnecessary, annoying trivialities that we are faced with every day. Liberation is about allowing people to focus on more important things instead of being stuck in the same petty and unfruitful agenda. Liberation is freedom from over-attachment towards something that would not contribute to our eternal later life.

Freedom is the ability to not accept wrongs as norms, without being afraid of the tags - backwards, closed-minded, and hypocritical.

In other words, please don't resort to tabarruj and call it freedom. Because you (and I) are actually succumbing to the demands of the opposite gender who don't deserve any bit of it. Don't say it's not for them - that's one of the most exorbitant lie a female can - and always - tell.

"Women impure are for men impure, and men impure for women impure and women of purity are for men of purity, and men of purity are for women of purity: these are not affected by what people say: for them there is forgiveness, and a provision honourable"

(QS An-Nur: 26)

P/S - Post ini lebih untuk menegur diri saya sendiri dari orang lain.

She dwelt among the untrodden ways Beside the springs of Dove, A Maid whom there were none to praise, And very few to love: A violet by a mossy stone Half hidden from the eye! Fair as a star, when only one Is shining in the sky. She lived unknown, and few could know When Lucy ceased to be; But she is in her grave, and oh, The difference to me.

-William Woodsworth-

Change

How were my holidays?

Different. That’s the exact word that can conclude everything.

While I was treating myself away with homesickness at Mydin, the genius of DJs kept playing all sad raya songs that made me a helpless sentimental. (I believe they were only pouring their heart out)

Jihad untuk Allah, semua ni takkan rasa pedih sangat, a friend told me. The realization that I am actually a college student, who no longer wears uniform to school, and am currently staying far away from home in the pursuit of, ahem, my dreams - smacks me.

Back then, those 17-turning-18 people looked so mature and ready for the world ahead. I used to think that in time I would be like them, seasoned enough to tread the paths of this transition period. Guess what? I fail to consider myself as wise by now, and getting older makes me feel more naïve when confronted with new, err, trivialities.

Truth be told, the notion that someday I, Allah willing, would be a lawyer, still seems surreal to me. There’s always this part of me that drags my self-esteem down. I mean, I have the malu-tak-bertempat disease seemingly running through my veins, and oh please, I couldn’t deliver a decent impromptu speech to save my life. And my hand shivers five minutes after I stand in a public eye – even if the public only consists of my college mates. Whenever I converse there would surely be errors even five-year-olds would not even dream of doing, and there goes my flow.

Talking about five-year-olds.

You know how it is when you read a five year old’s composition and think that it is quite impressive for him, so you give him marks above the average? But the child thinks that he deserves more since he put his best effort into that particular thing, and he asks you what could be done in order to gain more next time?

Well, I am repeatedly having my stint at being his equivalent.

Imagine spending all night researching something and writing and re-writing something, and cutting and trimming the product and redoing the whole thing.

And you get only 15/20. Imaginably you want to know what you did wrong.

“Oh, it was impressive ~” and blah-blah-blah. So why didn’t I get a higher mark? Like I needed an answer. It was impressive for someone like me, a five-year old in the eyes of a foreign-experienced lecturer.

"So what can I do to make it better, Madam?"

"You need to put your points forward in a… different manner”

"Different as in…?" This, I am resigned to take as something I will never know for the near future. Picturing something is not my forte.

But come to think of it, what did I picture myself as? Maybe I am just a typical Malaysian who was too pampered to even realize the importance of thinking about my future. About, not of. That is why I feel so off-guard and confronted with things previously alien to my simple mind.

But for everything that has been pushing me, now that my eyes are widely open, I suddenly realize that my own self is in dire need of a change.

Actually, I quite enjoy law as it throws me into the compulsion of venturing outside the confines of the syllabus, you know, like really getting in touch with the real world and putting the grey matter between my ears to work.

Which could have been an irrelevant problem had I spent my last eleven years of education not being spoon-fed by my previous teachers who, I now realize, have been overworked by us, what’s the word for it, passive students.

I am a true-blue Malaysian third-class mentality after all, see?

Yes, my present life may be so unbelievably blargh at times but I suppose I took the right step. I don’t have regret any of my past decisions, my hiccups actually shoved me on my way here, and yes, although I do admit that Law is not easier than Science which I can never bring myself to love, but here I am and I’m not going back. I need to give all and accept all.

I should be an optimist, wholeheartedly submitting to the fact that come what may, I can handle it – no matter how disappointing the end point may be.

My sister labeled me an ultimate pessimist, what with my ways of complaining about the system, but is doing nothing against it, due to the belief of the ugly consequences that may surface.

And I thought I was different. An ultimate pessimist is just another sick hypocritical whiner.

I can see how it’s all planned out. I’m the one who needs to change. I’m the one who needs to be closer to Allah, and to work harder, and to look at the brighter side of things. And be content for what I had, and what I have, and work myself off to a point of being content of whatever I will have, regardless of it being satisfactory or not.

(Pergh. Another of my personal blabbering that should never have been published in the first place. I’ll give it three days before deleting it)

You Know Your Islam Is In Trouble When...

Source : http://www.rumahquran.com/you-know-your-islam-is-in-trouble-when…/

• the last thing you learnt about Islam, the Quran, or Jihad was from CNN

• all your conversations with your friends have to do with guys/girls, or movies, or guys/girls in movies

• you spend more nights at the club during Ramadan than at a Masjid

• you can’t remember the last time you asked someone a question about something you didn’t understand in Islam

• you find time to watch three movies a week but find yourself too busy to pray Salah regularly

• that Quran translation you were given last ‘Eid is still sitting on the top shelf of your bookrack

• the ‘inner voice’ you hear when you are in complete silence sounds surprisingly similar to the latest hip-hop song you heard

• you don’t know any people who you can say Salaams to without feeling embarrassed

• the feeling that God is watching you in all that you do is never more than a passing thought

• you are available to receive phone calls at 2 a.m.

• your clothes and hair smell of cigarettes on Sunday mornings even though you don’t smoke

• knowing something is right or wrong and feeling guilty about it does not effect whether you actually do it or not

• you gave hope of ever entering Paradise because you don’t feel you deserve it after ‘all that I have done’

• when you want something in your life you fantasize about it and say “I wish!”

• you can’t figure out why you are never truly happy deep in your heart and why nothing good in your life ever seems to last (why does it always have to end?)

• the happiest day of your life so far was on a Christmas, Valentine, or a dance

• you are loneliest when you are sad or when something bad has happened to you (where did all my friends go?)

• you don’t think of the Prophet at least once a day

• when you hear of Muslims dying somewhere in the world, you consider it part of ‘politics’ which you have nothing to do with

• your ‘best friend’ is a person of the opposite gender yet not your husband or wife

• you have no motivation to change things in your life

• when your faults are pointed out to you, you reply “This is who I am, for better or for worse!”

• listening to the Quran does not make you feel guilty

• you are actually flattered when people on the street stare or ask you out

• you friends never object to any of your bad habits or behaviours and vice versa

• you don’t care whether you go to heaven or hell since no one can really be sure about these things

• to you, Islam is just another ‘organized institutionalized religion’

• you actually agreed with everything your philosophy professor taught in class

• you generally feel crappy and often find yourself telling people that

• your consider and justify your sins as ‘a part of who I am’

• you want to travel around the world someday but Makkah is not one of your planned stops

• your parents hate you and have said so to you

• you read the horoscopes yet have never performed Salat-ul-Istikharah

• you have never felt like falling down on your face and crying to Allah

• you look down upon people who are more practicing than yourself as ‘just mullahs and molvis’

• your past bad experiences with some Muslims prevent you from getting closer to Islam and other Muslims

Aduhai... :(

Betapa Berbezanya Aku Dengannya

Assalamualaikum w.b.t. ya bakal ahli kubur. :)

Mukaddimah Fi Zilalil Quran karya Syed Qutb memang benar-benar menyentuh hati.

Hidup di bawah bayangan al-Quran adalah suatu keni’matan yang

tidak dapat diketahui melainkan hanya oleh mereka yang mengecapinya

sahaja. Ia adalah suatu keni’matan yang meluhur, memberkati dan

membersihkan usia seseorang.

Alhamdulillah syukur ke hadrat Allah yang telah mengurniakan

kepadaku keni’matan hidup di bawah bayangan al-Qur’an selama beberapa

waktu, di mana aku telah mengecapi nikmat yang tidak pemah aku kecapi

sepanjang hidupku, iaitu ni’mat yang meluhur, memberkati dan

membersihkan usiaku.

Aku hidup seolah-olah mendengar Allah bercakap kepadaku dengan

al-Quran ini… ya Dia bercakap kepadaku seorang hamba yang amat kerdil

dan amat kecil. Manakah penghormatan yang dapat dicapai oleh seseorang

lebih tinggi dari penghormatan Ilahi yang amat besar ini? Manakah

keluhuran usia yang lebih tinggi dari keluhuran usia yang diangkatkan oleh

kitab süci ini? Manakah darjah kemuliaan bagi seseorang yang lebih tinggi

dari darjah kemuliaan yang dikurniakan oleh Allah Pencipta Yang Maha

Mulia?

Aku telah hidup di bawah bayangan al-Qur’an dan di sana aku

melihat jahiliyah berkecamuk di muka bumi ini dan aku melihat minat dan

cita-cita penduduk-penduduk dunia ini amat kecil dan kerdil, aku melihat

pemuja-pemuja jahiliyah itu berbangga-bangga dengan ilmu pengetahuan

yang ada pada mereka, iaitu ilmu pengetahuan kanak-kanak, kefahaman dan

pemikiran kanak-kanak, minat dan cita-cita kanak-kanak sama seperti

pandangan seorang tua kepada mainan kanak-kanak, percubaan kanakkanak

dan keteloran lidah kanak-kanak. Aku merasa kaget dan hairan

mengapa manusia jadi begini, mengapa mereka jatuh ke dalam lumpur yang

kotor dan penuh penyakit ini? Mengapa mereka tidak mendengar seruan

Allah Yang Maha Tinggi dan Maha Besar, iaitu seruan yang dapat meluhur,

memberkati dan membersihkan usia seorang?

Aku telah hidup di bawah bayangan al-Quran dan di sana aku dapat

meni’mati kefahaman yang sempurna dan meliputi, tanggapan yang tinggi

dan bersih terhadap alam al-wujud, terhadap matlamat seluruh alam alwujud

dan terhadap matlamat kewujudan manusia itu sendiri. Kemudian

aku bandingkan dengan kefahaman-kefahaman dan tanggapan jahiiyah yang

dihayati oleh umat manusia di Timur dan di Barat, di Utara dan di Selatan.

Kemudian aku bertanya: Mengapa manusia sanggup hidup dalam paya yang

busuk, di tahap yang amat rendah dan di dalam gelap gelita kesesatan yang

menghitam itu, sedangkan mereka mempunyai padang-padang yang bersih,

tempat-tempat yang tinggi dan cahaya yang terang benderang?

Aku telah hidup di bawah bayangan al-Qur’an, dan di sana aku dapat

merasa adanya keseimbangan yang indah di antara harakat manusia seperti

yang dikehendaki Allah dengan harakat alam buana yang diciptakan Allah.

Kemudian aku melihat keadaan simpang-siur yang dialami oleh umat

manusia yang telah menyimpang dan undang-undang alam buana, juga

melihat percanggahan di antara pengajaran-pengajaran yang merosak dan

jahat yang diajarkan kepada mereka dengan fitrah semulajadi mereka, lalu

aku berkata di dalam hatiku: Manakah syaitan yang jahat yang telah

memimpin umat manusia ke Neraka ini?

Alangkah ruginya manusia!

Aku telah hidup di bawah bayangan al-Quran dan di sana aku melihat

alam al-wujud ini adalah jauh lebih besar dari saiznya yang lahir yang dapat

dilihat itu. Ia lebih besar dari segi hakikatnya dan dari segi bilangan aspekaspeknya.

Ia mencakup alam ghaib dan alam syahadah kedua-dua sekali

bukannya alam syahadah sahaja. Ia merangkumi dunia dan Akhirat keduadua

sekali bukannya dunia ini sahaja. Dan kewujudan manusia adalah

bersinambung di lorong-lorong zaman yang amat jauh itu. Maut bukannya

penghabisan perjalanan hidup manusia, malah ia merupakan suatu peringkat

perjalanan di tengah jalan. Segala sesuatu yang dicapai oleh seseorang di

dunia ini bukanlah merupakan seluruh habuannya, malah hanya merupakan

sebahagian dari habuannya sahaja. Segala balasan yang terluput di dunia ini

tidak akan terluput di Akhirat nanti. Di sana balasan tidak akan mengalami

penganiayaan, pengurangan dan kesesiaan. Peringkat perjalanan yang dilalui

manusia di bumi ini merupakan peringkat perjalanan di sebuah alam hidup

yang lumrah, sebuah alam sahabat yang mesra dan sebuah alam yang

mempunyai roh yang sentiasa menerima, menyambut dan ia bertawajjuh

kepada Allah Pencipta Yang Maha Esa sebagaimana roh orang yang beriman

bertawajjuh kepada-Nya dengan penuh khusyu’.

Betapa bahagianya orang yang merasai halwatul iman.

Pagi sebelum tu satu pengisian tentang anjakan paradigma diadakan. Mungkinkah kita akan pernah sampai ke tahap pemikiran as-syahid sekiranya hidup berprioritikan persoalan boleh fly atau tidak, bila kahwin, berapa gaji?

Tak mungkin. Tapi itulah hakikatnya jauhnya perbezaan darjat antara aku dan as-syahid.

Kalau Tragedi Dah Terjadi

Specs patah.

:( Agak sedihlah jugak. Yes, I'm so careless. Malas mahu degrade lebih-lebih. Pengajaran : Jangan letak specs di sebelah kepala time tidur walau semengantuk manapun anda.

Assalamualaikum kepada Ani yang begitu tabah nak stay di Semenanjung masa semester break. Wa tabik spring to your selflessness. Sesungguhnya Allah bersama hambanya yang bersabar.

Terima kasih atas nasihat yang berguna. Tak ada gunanya rasa terbeban atas tanggungjawab sebagai anak yang lebih dewasa. Tak ada gunanya fikir fasal diri sendiri sahaja.

Sudah, sudah. For me? Stay back time cuti panjang? Belum ready lagilah. The time would come, but not yet. Besides, harga tiket murah. Pulang-balik RM200. Wahaha! Rezeki!

Teramat rinduuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu pada adik bongsu yang semakin menggemuk di rumah. Setiap kali tengok gambar Yaya, terus terbayang rasa bila dukung.

Random musings. Tidak apalah. I'm a girl, I'm allowed to make no sense :)

*Edit edit*

Mengadu boleh kan?

Cuti raya lagi seminggu. Tapi aku tidak terfikir sangatpun. Pelik kan?

Itulah pentingnya sebab melakukan sesuatu. Apabila kita hilang punca.

Everytime I think of the reason I'm here, I realize that I want to make a change. Not here. But there. In Lahad Datu, Sabah, where I am needed the most (ahahahaha :D). Walau se-tidak-tahu manapun aku, sekurang-kurangnya aku ada peluang untuk belajar. Dulu Bapak tak sambung sebab tak ada financial means. Mak pula sebab masalah dokumen.

What right do I have to complain?

Exactly. May Allah lead my way so I don't wander off to despressing sentimentalities.