Overwhelming, Innit?

Stolen from here.

I have a pencil that wishes to say more.
And an eraser. To stop me from saying too much.
Because I myself am sure.
That I won't truly say what I feel.
I've learned to pretend to feel.

So give me time, and let me come to it.
I'll ask you to walk with me.
And let's walk together.
The trip won't feel as lonely then.

May I Speak?

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

I'm in a state of confusion. Never before have I been more aware of this. I'm struggling to find my stance in clouds of other people's thoughts and ideologies, and I have been raised to prefer some to the other. And yet the little trips outside that caters for my curiosity made me recoil in uneasiness.

I know very little, and therefore think very little. My original thoughts are constrained to that of what other young individuals yet to truly form their views on the world think. I am afraid to speak, and afraid to seek. 

I'm afraid of other people's influence over me. I'm afraid of people tailoring their knowledge over their wants and needs. I'm afraid of bigots. I'm afraid of the power of the masses made up of undecided people like myself.

The only things I am now certain of is that Allah is my God, and the Prophet s.a.w. is Allah's messenger. I am certain that I don't know what I am supposed to do but go back to what the Prophet communicated to me.

The First Revelation in itself asks us to read, to go in a pursuit for knowledge with Allah in mind. I do not know and therefore I wish to learn. Learn sincerely, not to merely be told of what's right and what's not. Opinion should only be formed when one has learned. It can be communicated but not be forced upon.

I wish not to be alienated from what I am trying to seek. I wish not to be pressured into conformity. I wish not to find this pursuit soured by the judgmental and holier-than-thou ones. And I believe I speak for the rest of us trying to find our feet in this world.

Or maybe I'm the one who lacks empathy, ranting out of ignorant frustration.

I Think, Therefore... I Should Google To Confirm It

Let's not be told how to think by other people's opinions. Because we've seen how this quest for a stance, driven by the need for conformity and solidarity, unguided by independent reasoning, fail spectacularly in the face of intellectual challenge. So seek to feel, and sense with all autonomy, issues worth of our attention. Be unafraid of criticisms of people who wish to disagree, for differences are never grounds for naming and shaming, for those whose opinions do matter. All prevailing ideas that remain to this day are the result of original thinking and thoroughly informed choices, and they seldom go unchallenged by simpler, yet more popular and convenient lines of thinking.

Long-winded. In other words, have control over the entity God has granted you. Because we know the hazards of blind conformity from history. I have been a victim of this form of laziness. (Still am, maybe).

At 1 A.M

It's past one and I can't sleep.

I used to somehow think that I am under-appreciated. Sometimes treatments are unfavorable and I tend to wonder whether life would be better had I been given more. Better looks, better education, richer and cooler family perhaps?

Despicable, I know.

But not really. Had I been granted all those better things in life people's treatment towards me would have been worse.

Why?

Simple. Because it was my own conceitedness and total self-absorbed-ness (grammatically incorrect, but you get the point) that drove people away. I would have been more of an airhead who would not have known blessings if it slapped me in the face. It's good that some of these things were not given to me, actually.

It must have taken an awful lot of others to bear with this weakness of mine. And I am surprised that no one has really taken the easy road of pointing it out, instead leaving me to discover this on my own.

Had anyone told me long ago, that I'm self-obsessed... I would have found it an unjustified attack upon my poor, misunderstood soul.

So here I say, sorry. I'm sorry to those who have had to bear this kind of thing from me. My family, especially my soulsister Ani who I used to throw all my complaints of the world at (only to be told to speak to the wall). Dolly, for those unbearable times you had to tolerate my belief that the world revolves around me. Fauziah, for those unwarranted attacks upon your behavior and my failure to realize my own (you have been too mild to go beyond silent retaliation). And Fatima, for my superiority complex issues which helped me deal with my insecurities. And others who have suffered this inconvenience as well.

Bapak was right when he said that I was arrogant. Because there's no getting around this: I was arrogant.

But here I am, perhaps humbled by the insignificance of my existence in the very least, have found a bit of clarity on the subject of why people found me disagreeable.

I hope this is a sign of growing up.

That's How The Blame Game Is Played

Susceptible people. Go the the source instead of flailing around people who are as susceptible as you are. Please.

Exams.Are.Over

I miss so many people, and I'm going to harass them by calling them for hours.

:D

Stop, Smell The Books

"You have really good books in here, sir"
"Ah, well, I try"
"Where do you get the books from?"
"It's hard work, really. Book fairs, travels to secluded shops. But all worth the effort. I try to sell only books I would read"

And in this stall selling second-hand books, I found a man whose claim is his belief in his passion. I found more than just a place to acquire really good books at a low price. I found a treasure date, one I would await most Thursday for the rest of my stay here.