At 1 A.M

It's past one and I can't sleep.

I used to somehow think that I am under-appreciated. Sometimes treatments are unfavorable and I tend to wonder whether life would be better had I been given more. Better looks, better education, richer and cooler family perhaps?

Despicable, I know.

But not really. Had I been granted all those better things in life people's treatment towards me would have been worse.

Why?

Simple. Because it was my own conceitedness and total self-absorbed-ness (grammatically incorrect, but you get the point) that drove people away. I would have been more of an airhead who would not have known blessings if it slapped me in the face. It's good that some of these things were not given to me, actually.

It must have taken an awful lot of others to bear with this weakness of mine. And I am surprised that no one has really taken the easy road of pointing it out, instead leaving me to discover this on my own.

Had anyone told me long ago, that I'm self-obsessed... I would have found it an unjustified attack upon my poor, misunderstood soul.

So here I say, sorry. I'm sorry to those who have had to bear this kind of thing from me. My family, especially my soulsister Ani who I used to throw all my complaints of the world at (only to be told to speak to the wall). Dolly, for those unbearable times you had to tolerate my belief that the world revolves around me. Fauziah, for those unwarranted attacks upon your behavior and my failure to realize my own (you have been too mild to go beyond silent retaliation). And Fatima, for my superiority complex issues which helped me deal with my insecurities. And others who have suffered this inconvenience as well.

Bapak was right when he said that I was arrogant. Because there's no getting around this: I was arrogant.

But here I am, perhaps humbled by the insignificance of my existence in the very least, have found a bit of clarity on the subject of why people found me disagreeable.

I hope this is a sign of growing up.