Thoughts From Home

It has been quite some while, hasn’t it?

I’ve been on an unintentional hiatus: an idyllic life, filled with summer readings and catching up with family. In other words, I have little to show for my holidays.

Here we are then, the penultimate third year. Law school folklore usually tells of how changed law students find themselves to be at this period: youthful idealism of public service takes a back seat in favour of corporate ambition, optimistic can-do attitude traded for realistic expectations. 

I’ll have to say that I am not much different in this respect. Mind you that his is not necessarily for the worse. 

I was afraid of changing before. Being a bit of a Pollyanna made me all too glad to use my naivety as a shield from fervent pessimism. This shield was sufficient, apt even, to grant readiness to venture something beyond my sheltered existence back then. But I could not now pretend to being the same person, having been exposed to and internalised beliefs and values which contradict those which I held to be integral to my identity. 

I have not lost my goodwill. I have merely traded it for experience, and I would not have had it any other way.

But those are ancillary matters. In the real world, anxieties about my social passivity as well as the pragmatics of post-graduation are abound. My ire with the former is that spurious thoughts for a more contributory existence are usually frustrated by my innate tendency to overthink and dismiss mental complications, leaving me enervated. As for the latter, I am simply terrified. While part of me is eager to desert theories for practice, I have seen how difficult it is to find a desirable place in the professional world.

But that’s another day’s worry. The bigger question has always been: why does it matter? Why should I bother? Would I end up filled with regret in the end, regardless? While asking oneself the same question might bring some answers one will fervently stand by, those same answers may be to the ire of others - some post-Pollyanna individuals, even. A bleak perspective, isn’t it? You may cherish your mind being your own, but ultimately you’re all alone in there

Ah, but now, three weeks away from end of holidays at home is not the right time to worry about these things. Till then!