At 3 am

Assalamualaikum. I'm feeling preppy right now.

Thank you, Ramadan, for making me realize that the thing standing between myself and what I want... is myself. My tendency to run away from problems.

For the majority of the nights for the past few weeks this thought is of recurring theme: "Should probably make the most of this night, you might not be alive for the next one - but oh, you haven't done any studying yet, you won't be able to focus on what you want to do if you persist anyhow, so do some studying first. *Goes off on what briefly starts as a studious affair before drifting off to Youtube or fiction books that I would not have read otherwise*. All right, that's it for the night, I'm done feeling guilty for what I am repeatedly doing to myself - but oh wait, I haven't slept yet, and I am not yet in that 'Malam Ramadan' mood. I must sleep over it, hopefully when I wake up I'll be ready to go. (Though I doubt it, based on the previous nights). But still, the ever-important sleep beckons!"

And ever so often, I wake up to the blaring sun the next day feeling dejected and full of self-contempt, perhaps even force myself back to sleep even when I feel dizzy out of too much sleep. I am not depressed or anything (though I wish I was, at least I'll have some excuse for the regrettable state my life choices is in).

Well, the guilt keeps piling up because I could not face the day - I could not face my own past idiocy doggedly haunting my conscience, and my fear of what was to come. I dread responsibilities, failures. I dread having to feel uncomfortable. I am afraid at being uncomfortable for not feeling what I am supposed to be feeling when I talk to Allah, I am afraid of knowing how terrible I am at a task. That is why I keep shirking away what I am supposed to do just to end up feeling worse about it.

Argh, this is just like the self-assassination version of Dostoevsky's Raskolnikov. People like you (yes, you know you're not that happy with your own life choices yourself) and I should stop being so self-destructive.

So.

This morning I decided to skip a tutorial because I could not bear the thought of feeling clueless as I have not done the prescribed readings. As I pulled the covers to blind out the ever so self-righteous sun I seriously considered why I was so reluctant to get up, get a shower, and call it a new day, make amends. It is just because it's too much and I dread the feeling of giving up after taking the task head on anyway. I hated the fact that I have done so many mistakes before and I hated being reminded of it through episodes where I can find nothing to say in a room full of people who obviously made better life choices than me, thus consigning myself to feeling like the stupidest person in the room.

I hated feeling stupid. I hated being the mute one, because I had nothing substantial to contribute, none even to myself.

However, today I forced my ungrateful self to get to the university nonetheless, so that some things that had to be done do not get postponed over their due. The phone which I have dropped into the loo had to be sent for insurance claim, the transcripts for the primary-school level Arabic homework had to be submitted and the preliminary readings  for my essay should be borrowed for the weekend lest I carry on, gaily assuming that it is still a dot on the horizon.

And what with the varying terrain levels at the university left for cyclists like myself, as well as the fact that I am not eating things I really should eat (I've been eating Maggi Kari and junk food all week - I've been menzalimi myself on all fronts, you see), I felt out of breath (the kind you get after BMXing with a low-grade bike) as I paced through the library aisles, thinking that I should just leave my bike for the night, hop on the bus home and get a proper rest in the bed I left just half an hour ago.

But thankfully, I didn't. And it made all the difference, for this weekend at least. I was in place for making a right choice at last, and this helped me to actually carry on with the things I should be doing. So my point is to redeem myself, the harder and more consciously the act was made, the better.

And I am not trying to slip some kind of complaint about how hard university is. Truth is, it is only the first year of school and it is manageable for most people. I don't really have a right to complain, because some people are genuinely going through a hard time and for these people, having to hear people like myself say 'oh god it's so hard I'm going to set myself on fire' can be extremely annoying.

The problem is not with the circumstances, the problem is with myself. I am falling back, because I thought getting up and running is too tiring. How refreshing is the thought that it's all about trying, and having no regrets afterwards.

I know. Ungrateful person who wants to complain all the time as if her life is of that much consequence. I know. There are bigger concerns out there, and had I spent a little less time being so hung up on my own petty issues the world would be spared of this kind of rubbish. I know. But despite my ever increasing age I believe I have yet to become an adult... because you only become an adult once you get past your own issues to actually be of use to other people. Like our parents. You don't see them complaining about how their kids wasted their life away.

Point is... the change starts in ourselves. Figure out what your problems are, and don't run away. Take it as it is, and defeat it on your own terms. It's your life, isn't it?

If you, like me, honestly cannot say that you have anything much to show for this Ramadhan, there is still time. The past is past. The remaining is going to pass us by really soon if we choose to defer it. Let's not sleep. Give ourselves the chance. But if you are currently making the best of it, good on you, and pray for the rest of us.